Why are you STUCK?

“Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt!” A show of hands, all who believed this adage, when growing up?  Well, if you raised your hand, that makes, many of us. I too believed that line, and used it as a defense in many verbal battles as a child.  However, as I became an adult, I noticed the distinct differences in how my words were received by various people. In some instances, when statements were said in jest, they were interpreted as two-edged swords, and sometimes when they were meant for hurt, it turned out to be trivial and weightless to the receiver. I was intrigued. So I decided to research and this is what I found.

The most powerful variable in the equation, is our Self-Concept. Psychologist, Baumeister (1999), defines self-concept as the mental picture of our character, capabilities and our potential. It is truly a mind game. Our inner conversations about who we are and what we think we deserve, is critical. It forms our interpretation of communication (verbal or non-verbal), what/how, we should respond on social media, text, email or any other form of exchange.  Practically speaking, the person who launches a personal attack on your beauty/accomplishments, or only interprets constructive criticism as a negative attack, is giving you a glimpse of their Self-Concept.

So, what do you believe about yourself? For example, what type of house should you live in? Where should you live? What model car should you drive?  Do you think of yourself as wife material? Do you think you can earn $1,000,000 JMD per month or is that too much? Do you believe that you deserve friends that affirm your big dreams, or is it okay that they dim your light because they are better than you? Do you believe that you must share your partner with other women, to keep him?

 

Why do you think about YOU, the way you do?

In 2016, at the first We Inspire Women Workshop, I spoke about my tumultuous childhood, specifically, my abuse. I found that my unresolved issues with the abuse, contributed to the way I interpreted the LOVE I deserved. I thought that aggression & abuse (verbal/physical), was the “proof in the pudding” for true love. How sad! For many years, I was trapped in that mental prison and I felt stuck because of what I went through. Our experiences will do that sometimes. As well as, the friends we keep or the music we listen or the books we read. That is why we must be intentional in deciding what and who we allow in our space. Everything adds up…I accepted abuse as my norm in my relationships, until I started to search for the truth…a better way. I started to change my self-concept with pictures of what I believe I deserved.

If you are like me in any way, learning how to rewrite the script and redefine who you are and what you deserve, is not an easy feat, but there is a way to get unstuck & live the life you deserve. Here are some of my tips to help you along this journey:

  • Challenge yourself to learn a NEW SKILL every month. Remember that everything you want to achieve, is possible by learning a skill. Confidence is a skill; Wealth Creation is a skill and Happiness is a skill… These are all skills you can learn. None of us were born lawyers, doctors, event planners, influencers or confident. We all learned to be what we are today, whether by going to school, reading the books or modeling people.  The more we learn, the more credibility we give ourselves and the more we believe in our abilities to achieve. With every new knowledge and new WIN, our self-concept takes a positive leap.
  • Make measurable progress in a reasonable time. Be patient with yourself. Nothing of value is ever created in one day, but you must measure your progress. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions and answer them. If you haven’t been doing what is required, don’t beat up on yourself, but acknowledge where you are, and then go into ACTION.  When you become clear, that simple mental activity, allows us to improve on our self-concept.
  • Evaluate your LOVE life. Forbes Magazine (2015) describes human beings, as communal. This means we are akin to shared interests and emotional connectivity with other human beings. Psychologist, Susan Fiske (1991), suggests that one of our main motives as human beings is to feel accepted by others.  Additionally, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, establishes our need to Belong (LOVE) just above our need for food & physical safety. Yes, it is that important that we feel secure, loved, needed and desired, especially as Women.

 

Maslow (1968) described two types of love, being love (referred to as “B-love”) and deficiency love (referred to as “D-love”). D-love is selfish and needy, whereas B-love is unselfish and cares for the needs of the other. Research on successful marriage suggests that partners in long-term happy marriages see each other as having a caring, responsive personality, and acting as true friends (Huston, Niehuis, & Smith, 2001).

Below we will explore characteristics of Maslow’s B- LOVE & D-LOVE. B-LOVE, being the one of choice and the one that affirms a positive self-concept based on positive experiences and D-LOVE, being the one that detracts from a nurturing self-concept and leads to a negative self-image.

 

  • Characteristics of the B-LOVE:

o   Always thinking of you, especially when planning fun or monumental events

o   Carves out time to do things that make you happy, even if it is not his favorite thing to do

o   Listens to you, even if he disagrees

o   Includes you in family activities and events

o   Thinks of creative ways to help you to realize your “bucket list”

o   Shares responsibilities & bills

o   Affirms your big dreams & even volunteers to help you see them through

o   He is tender & caring in his touch

o   Spends quality time with you, even if he is busy

o   Compliments your efforts and appearance

 

  • Characteristics of the D-LOVE

o   Physically abusive

o   Verbally Abusive, using words like b***, dutty gyal etc to describe you

o   Embarrasses you amongst his friends or family

o   Diminishes your ideas and goals

o   Ignores you for a day or more (he is too busy) …returns your call only when it is convenient to him

o   Only makes time for you when he needs sexual satisfaction

o   Unfaithfulness

o   Sees the relationship as transactional, that is, money in exchange for sex

 

Whatever your situation or position is, remember that you have the POWER to decide. No one can strip you of that right! Everything you desire is within your reach, but you must decide what you want and be clear on who you want to become. We Inspire Women, offers the inspiration, knowledge & strategies necessary for you to live your BEST life, and we look forward to seeing you on August 25 & 26, for more mind-stimulating, thought-provoking, life changing, fun-filled engagement.

QUEENDOM